The Hazel Eyes Tour

crashing waves when nobody else is around, sea gulls, the babble of an infant, the chatter of my grandkids, a rumble of thunder, rain on the roof, the silence after a snowfall, the pop of a wine bottle being opened, a Christmas choir, gift wrap being ripped from the gift, Gibson purring, Jack sneaking a few nibbles of his dog food during the night, galloping horses, popcorn, the silence from a beautiful smile, the pop from a golf club meeting the golf ball, a crackling fire, and a whispered I love you,

I work in a volunteer office at our community hospital. And I write this with tears and a saddened heart tonight. Why is that important you wonder? Let me tell you how much of an honor it is to meet some of these folks that volunteer their time. The gentleman I'm going to tell you about is a friend, however today, he told me we are family.

This past Saturday marked the tragic 6 months anniversary of the metro crash in DC, I'm sure you remember hearing about that on the news. My friend lost his daughter in that crash. He volunteered with us the day after, not knowing his daughters body lay lifeless waiting to be found, along with her husband. They too volunteered and were on their way to where they volunteered.

He told me he would be bringing something in for me to read today, however, he couldnt even finish telling me, he choked up and I had to wait. So today my friend, my family, shared with me something so touching and so sad, I just have to share.

Another daughter of his was very close to her sister that died in that crash. She had some of her sisters personal belongings and had decided to go through her datebook. She found entries of lunches and dinner dates, time marked off just for her husband. And she found a poem by Robert Sexton from a sketch titled Legacy. The poem read:

"This, I will remember when the rest of life is through: The finest thing I've done is simply loving you."

Needless to say there were tears as we hugged and as I hugged my friend he told me we're family. What beautiful words this poem is, and what a powerful meaning behind it. The daughter that found the poem somehow managed to take her writing of the poem and transfer it to her picture and presented to her Dad. What a gift, the picture, her writing and the poem, from both his daughters.

Please keep my friend, my family, in your Christmas prayers. And be thankful for the friends and family you have today, for you may not have them tomorrow.

I spent the day Saturday, while we were being dumped on with snow, going through my parents old photographs. A plastic storage tub held all the memories, they've been nagging me to be left out and admired. So I did. I found wonderful pictures of my parents as children, teenagers, young adults, and new parents. I was reminded of the dances they would go to, the elegant gowns my Mom would wear, the beehive hairdo and the silky gloves up to her elbows. And the coat, I have the coat. I thought it was real fur, it is not. And it is beautiful.

Then I found pictures from when my Dad as a child collected toy trains and set up an entire city on a plywood platform in his parents living room! I never before saw pictures of the dispaly. Now, I remember him setting up the platform when I was a child, but those displays were quite obvisously smaller than he contructed in his younger years. One year after he carefully finsihed the display, I remembered him telling me NOT to touch the red control switch. Well ya know that was just an invitation for my curious little hands. The first chance I got I flipped that switch. Which sent the train into action! And he came running! I don't remember being yelled at or punished, he knew I loved it as much as he did. I still have those trains and houses, and all the other buildings to make the city. The little city had all sorts of functioning buildings, train stations, even the telephone poles had wires.

Then tonight I was running my last minute errands, while I ever be happy and content with knowing I really don't need anymore gifts for my loved ones! Anyway, a verold Andy Williams Christmas song began to play on the radio and more memories flooded my busy mind. I remembered the red velvet dresses and black patent leathers I wore to the Christmas parties we attended. I remembered the parties, the train display at an uncle's house and the white picket fence that kept me at a safe distance. I remembered the silly silver tree we had and the sleigh and reindeer my Dad would put in the yard. I remembered all the old albums, wish I'd still have them. i was also reminded of the family dinners we had at a club my parents and grandparents belonged to, we even kept up the tradition of those dinners until 2 years ago when my parents both died.

Nothing can beat childhood Christmas memories.

I always thought I had a very strong faith and belief in God. I didn't. Well, not like I should have or thought I did. I've learned to listen closely and ask for direction.
And then I usually end up doubting those decisions I've made based on the direction I recieve. And yet again I am reassured.

Many times since I moved home from an oncoming divorce, many things have happened in my life, most of them not pleasant. Those unpleasantries, I had to be here, home, to take care of family. And then yet again I still worried that perhaps I misunderstood. And as quick as I do, I was reminded of teh funds I raised for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I would have never ever put that walk together anywhere but here, where friends and family supported the cause.

So, even though I still worry that maybe I am misinterpreting my direction, I get gentle reminders that I'm doing okay.

Hope all of you on the east coast along with me are enjoying this beautiful snowy wonderland! Be safe, Peace, and Joy!

I've always dreamed of owning a beachfront home. Seriously, since I was a very small child, I loved the feel of sand between my toes, I loved the crashing waves, the sea gulls, sand castles, seashells. Even teh boardwalk but I can do without that now!

Sitting at my desk yesterday, I daydreamed of sitting, no lounging on avery cushy, marshmallowie sofa, I was gazing at my beautiful sparkling Christmas tree that was very cleverly placed beside my very large picture window with the view of the ocean just outside. The sounds of Christmas music playing in the background was accompanied by the faint sound of the crashing waves, and I felt at peace. Happy and at peace. And then the f'ing phone rang and people started parading in my office invading my calmness.

Sending you all very sandy Christmas wishes!

I have learned alot over the years, and the more severe the life challege was, the better the lesson was? Yea, I think that's correct. I have learned alot about myself too. For some very odd reason I seem to fall in love with control freaks, liars and cheaters. I didnt need someone's sofa time for that enlightenment! Silly, but we dont we see these things through the rose colored blinders? And we dont see what our friends see but we think they are oh so wrong cause we see a side that they just cannot.

The X#1 was just a childish mistake, right from high school to being a wife and a mom. I remember starting to walk away as the wedding party got in line, my dad had hold of my arm and told me its too late now, and forward I walked. Right into the worst and best times of my life mind you. The worst was my marriage, his drinking and cheating, the verbal abuse and the start of physical abuse. The best was my babies. Period.

Along comes X#2 and sweeps me off my feet. He too thought X#1 was a loser and X#1's loss was X#2's gain, or so he convinced me. That fairytale ended up being dating, living together, separation, on again/off again dating, marriage, divorce. As I look back on those years I have to wonder just what the fuck I was thinking, or not thinking, or not seeing the nose on my face. He was an ass, a bastard, self-centered, short tempered, controlling, yea I could go on but you get the picture. He was my rock for awhile but then he was my enemy, I could do no right. I wasnt confident enough, or pretty, his eyes always sought out the pretty girls. My ideas, he thought, were hairbrained, ridiculous, not thought out enough, yada yada yada.

I wanted to write, try he says sarcastically,but you'll never get published. I did shock the hell outta hime when an article did get published in a magazine!! I wanted to buy a rental property, your paychecks suck!, you cant do that! I wanted to paint and take pictures, sure give it a try but dont expect much. I gave up my home, my job and moved away from family and friends so he could live his dream on a boat. The more I gave, the more he took until there was nothing left of me to give. I was beaten down, I had no confidence in myself even though I kept snapping pictures and tried to keep writing. I hated myself, our relationship and I started falling out of love with him. I told him that, nothing. Told him things needed to change, nothing. When he yelled at me just one more time for buying a gift for my kids, I exploded, told him I wanted a separation, told him I had been going to counseling to figure it all out, and yes I used my faith in God for direction. I also confronted him previously on a possible affair he may have had but he swore he'd never ever treat me the way X#1 did. Umm yea.

So I left, I moved home. I secretly hoped he would come to his senses, he'd realize how much he loved me and that he absolutely could not live without me, never happened. I was home for 5 months and my Mom passed away and he filed for divorce. I got the inital papers the day before what would have been our celebration on 10 years of marriage, and the final papers the day before Thanksgiving, I think there might have been a sign there???? Then Dad died, I had the estate to deal with, the grief, classes, work, and top it all off with arguments with my kids. Yes it was a vacation come true it was!! Just when I thought my world was on the right path, finally, it all blew to hell. I swear sometimes it feels like my life is just one huge bout with diarrhea.

I struggled just to get up in the morning. I didnt wear makeup to work, just tied my hair back, I looked like walking hell really. And I didnt care either. I put on weight, slept all the time, cried hysterically on a regular schedule. I sort of lost my faith, but I still held on. Life seemed to have gotten better but then POW! I got another anchor around my neck and it started to drown in muddy muck of pathetic life! I very recently wondered why that anchor kept pulling me down to the dank dark pits of the hell below. Why did all the shit always happen to me? How much more could I take and what kind of fucked up lesson am I supposed to be learning?

I somehow climbed outta that hell pit, I held on, barely, but with the wonderful friends I have been blessed with, I managed to crawl out. Then the last few weeks of X#2 being the self-centered bastard that he his, threw yet another anchor my way. Guess what? I ducked! The chain kinda smacked me as it soared over my head but thats ok!!!! I came out of it pissed off in a royal fit BUT nonetheless better for it! I was on fire mad but its already passing, I know he's an ass but he's out of my life. I'm thinking I should send his new bride, which may have something to do with the recent uproar from him, anyway, I think I should send her either a sympathy card? or a good luck and hope you wise up soon card? or maybe a thank you for reminding me what a jack ass he really is and how thankful I am to be rid of him? But it also makes me wonder what the hell is she thinking? Why arent her friends warning her? I witnessed his mean sgtreak on his X#1, he was a mean SOB! I wusta wore really good blinders!!!! Now he treats me that way. Oh well, his loss. I'm already rich in my life! Rich with friends that love me, rich with my growing family ((we still have issue's but hell who doesnt!!)). Rich with me snapping hundreds of pictures, art classes and writing all kinds of stuff and sending it away!! I'm rich in my dreams too. He cant make feel inadequate anymore.

Cheers and amen to the lessons I've learned!

Hello Friends and Family,

Once again I am fighting for a cause,okay, maybe not "fighting" but you know what I mean!! The Heart Walk fundraiser was a success. I didn't quite meet my $500. goal but I came close, and considering the state of the economy, I am very very thankful and appreciative for the donations I did raise.

My next cause is the Suicide Prevention and Awareness walk held at the Hanover YMCA on Sunday October 11th. This walk was a tremendous effort to put together, and I still have LOTS to do. I hope to have this become a yearly event for our little town. When I worked at the Wellness Center on York Street, our staff took turns at providing monthly community programs. My first was drug abuse, my second was to be a program on suicide. Part of my research and preparations for that program allowed me to attend a meeting, a groupd effort of area school guidance counselors, area police forces, a coroner and more. I was amazed at the amount of attempted suicides occurred in our area middle and high schools. Not to mention the suicides that actually did happen. It saddened me, and stabbed at my heart with our loss of Kevin and Joey.

When my now ex-husband, Kelly and I moved to MD I had heard about a walk for suicide prevention and awareness, I thought it was a local event and was never successful at finding it again. When I moved back home, Nicole and I decided if we couldn't find the walk and participate, we'd create our own. well, I found out of the Darkness and the plans QUICKLY moved along.....quicker than I could have imagined really!

Now, here it is, only 2 short weeks before the event. I have run into many road blocks along the way, unfortunately most of them being people offering to take on a project and then back out. However difficult that was I am motivated enough to see this through and work my butt off getting it there.

So let me give you a little insight to the organization. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the leading not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research and education, and to reach out to people with mood disorders and those impacted by suicide. Since 1987, AFSP has supported research that is improving our understanding of suicide and its prevention. Since 2000, AFSP has invested over $6.6 million in new studies, as well as provided education and information through public workshops, trainings, videos, publication and public service announcements. Half the monies raised goes back to AFSP and the other half stays local....to our schools, to educate students, bus drivers, cafeteria workers, teachers, etc, raising awareness and prevention for our students. Feel free to check out the website at www.outofthedarkness.com

To view our walk page, please log onto the Out of the Darkness website, click on Find and Event Near You, type in Pennsylvania, click on the Hanover Walk on Oct. 11th. You can join my team "In Memory of Kevin and Joe", create your own team, or make a donation. All are invited to the walk, and I could certainly use volunteers the day of the walk. Please join me for this historic first time walk in our area for this organization. I have no idea what the turnout will be but however small it is, I'm continuing on with this event!

Again, thank you all for your continued support for my endeavors and hardships and I truly hope you can join me! Oh, and please feel free to forward this email to any of your friends that may be interested in donating or joining in the walk, or maybe you know of someone that has also been touched by suicide.

Thank you!!

…A day to reflect on the past week, such as the obstacles that we have overcome that make us feel accomplished, even to those that stood in our way stubbornly not letting us win~to those obstacles we must plan how to fight them better this week. Sundays are also a day to reflect on what we are thankful for and how blessed we are in our lives.

So for my week I plan to conquer my Six Situations…

1. Do my very BEST not to let the human race spoil my contentment in life.
2. I don’t know how I will handle the stress at work with the constant demands that are put upon me, but I will try to find a way….
3. I will finish the story of my move home this week, and begin plans to get it out there!
4. I WILL do my yoga and meditation every morning no matter how tired or how much I ache.
5. My cookbook, work on creating new recipes, will try them on some friends Friday night!

And last but not least…

6. Continue to raise money for my 2 upcoming walks, the American Heart Association Heart Walk and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Out of the Darkness walk.

Cheers!

Sure, maybe, who knows....but there is one terrific Scientist that can answer that!

They didnt make teen movies when I was a teen.....

I’ve only begun to put this walk together, and I don’t have much time. I have a date at the YM reserved for October 11th, it’s a Sunday. Was hoping for a Saturday but soccer games beat me to it!!

I am searching out agencies that might be interested in setting up a booth to provide phone numbers and other info for those that may be considering suicide or for those that have family/friends considering it. It’s also to help us figure out how to approach the subject should we encounter a loved one that is suffering. I am also hoping to diminish the stereotype of “chicken shits” or other cruel names associated with victims. Unless you have either been in those shoes or have had a family member commit suicide, you cannot possibly understand the pain that the victim suffers. Yes it is a selfish act, but their inner pain is so great that they see no way out. Ending the pain to them is ending their life. To them, that IS the only way out.

Anyway, back to my progress on this walk. I only have a small committee, myself and my friend Janice. I’d like to have at least 2 more dedicated individuals. I need to work on getting this walk advertised, gathering walkers and possibly teams other than my own team, I need to raise money, I’ll need volunteers to help the day of the walk, I need a team name, T-shirts, flyers and posters need to be ordered, I need to get sponsors for free snacks and bottled water for the walkers and possibly a stand to sell food, and the worse is getting it approved before the Hanover Boro Council, which I only found out this week that I need to do. And I need to map out a 2-3 mile walk around the YM.

So, for now I need to RECRUIT!!! I need walkers and if you can’t walk I will need sponsors (money donations). So please help if you can, or get someone else that you know that might be interested or has also shared an experience of losing a loved one to suicide. Put the word out for me. This walk means a lot to me!
Cheers!

I absolutely LOVE the weekend. I can stay up late, sleep late, take naps, totally throw off my sleep/wake pattern. I can drink coffee in my home instead of my office, I can google without the worry of getting caught at work *giggling*, I can watch movies and stay in or I can run to any store I love *look out Target and TJ Maxx*. I will pull out all my writing projects and pick which one speaks to me at that moment and tweek it a little more, I can finish the art project I started. Oh and my fav is getting my massage. I will make a promise to myself to finally exercise more faithfully but then I will find my nose deep in a book. Then there are the "must do" things like laundry, bills and cleaning. But most importantly, I just get to be home and be me! Yep I LOVE my weekends. They are just much too short!!
Cheers!

that is so easy, from my much younger days...Nancy Drew!!!

Hmm where to begin....
I met a man many years ago. An elderly man that volunteered at the hospital. At the time I worked in Cardiac. We quickly became friends as he transported patients in my unit. His wife also volunteered, she passed away shortly after I started at the hospital. I then transferred to the Volunteer Department and our friendship blossomed. We had many chats on everything you could imagine. He was a very prominent man in the community and church. He was a WWII veteran and often spoke of his time overseas. He was a pilot and was shot down. He was rescued and survived under the attentive care of the village women and children. He and his lovely wife visited the village often through the years and when she passed he returned to the village. They had prepared a memorial for her. I think is stands beside the memorial they have for his heroism. I loved hearing his stories. Especially the war stories, some of them cheerful and comical, he rarely spoke of the unkind acts. Mostly of his and his buddies survival.

Then I moved away for four years, we stayed in touch via email. When I returned home for weekend family time I always stopped at the hospital. We'd hug and chat some more. Now, I've moved back home, gave up the boat life when a divorce became part of my life. After a year in a different job at the hospital, my old job became available, and mine once again. We picked up right where we left off. I remember my first day back in the volunteer office, an incredible bear hug I received. His age has caught up with him, he no longer transported but instead dispatched the transports. That kept in at a desk but still in a very busy area of the hospital.

A few months ago he began having some health issue's. Then a dreaded phone call from his daughter, he was given 2-4 weeks due to kidney failure. He seemed to not be ready yet so his family moved him to a very nice place where he gets the best care. Hospice visits too. My boss and I went to see him tonight. Surprisingly he looks wonderful. He looked up and saw us at the door, the biggest smile I have ever seen filled his beautiful face and once again, another bear hug. He is still just as sharp as ever. He was also going on a boat ride at our lake tomorrow. He seemed a little nervous but i know he'll gather his strength and have a good time. And, he told me another story. He bought his wife a diamond tennis bracelet, a diamond for every year of their marriage. Over the years he has taken a diamond and made a piece of jewelry for his family. Earrings for his daughters, grand-daughters, and great grand-daughters. The men of the family get a diamond tie clip. I wanted to cry right then and there from the beauty of the story but I couldn't. The love and joy from him consumed me.

My boss made a good point tonight. He has touched so many lives, has made so many friendships over the years, it's just not time yet. There are still good-byes to made. Friends to see one more time. He knows his time is coming and he has accepted it with the courage and faith that I knew he would. A beautiful man. I had to share, I am blessed to have had his friendship and share in his life. I hope you all have met someone like this.

I promised Jack, my little bichon-poo, that he could have the computer to share his blog with you.

Here's Jack:

Hi! My mom took me to the vet tonight. I wasnt too happy about the whole thing, especially since the doc stuck a thermometer (mom did a spell check for me) up my butt, AND I got stuck with 2 needles, she checked ears, my joints and my teeth which I really didnt like either. I weigh 14 pounds and the doc said I will live to be a very old doggie. I figured I made out better than the shepard in the exam room next to me so I cant really complain too much, we had to wait while he got euthanized (Mom did spell check again, isnt she great). Mom got really sad for the family.

The last time I went to the vet, they cleaned my teeth. I was asleep for that and they're really lookin good and my breath is much better, but they also removed a wierd little toe. I woke up with one of the e-collars (mom laughed when she saw me) and a big blue bandage. Mom had to take that off the next day and put on a baby bootie, didnt like that either. I mean c'mon how can a dude look good with a baby bootie! So, Mom felt bad for me and took off the collar! WOOHOO! Thank you momma!! When Mom wasnt looking, I pulled off the bootie and ate 2 stitches. Then she taped the bootie on, that worked for about a day and I ripped that off and ate the last 2 stitches.

Anyway, I gotta go watch what Mom's doing now. She's on the floor in front of the fridge cussing. There was water on the floor this morning but I promised her that it wasnt me!!!! I'm pretty sure she believes me. These cute brown puppy eyes really do work! Oh wait now she's over on the rug doing her exercises! This is too much fun, I gotta go so I can pounce on her!! Gibson and I love it when she's on the floor!!!

Puppy kisses to all!

She did it. She barely escaped with her life. Truth be told, she almost didn’t make it out alive. He threatened to take that from her too. That’s all she had left of herself. Just her life. Her breath. Her heartbeat. Her smile. He didn’t want anyone else to share in those things. If he couldn’t have her, no one would. He almost took her life. A guardian angel was with her that dreadful night. She knew it. She wasn’t alone. Maybe the family member that was taken from her? She had to have had protection. She wasn’t that strong. He was crazed. She was scared. But she lived. However you want to look at it, she survived. She starts over. She’s a survivor. She begins another long journey. A new journey. A better journey. On her own. With her small kids. She works. She raises the kids. She has a home. She makes it a home. She is finally happy. She does not miss him. She’s glad to be away from him. It’s not always easy being on her own. But she can. And she does. He still creates trouble. He plays games. But he cannot play her. She’s strong now. She falls in love again. She marries. Many years pass. People change. Family grows. New friends. And the tragedy strikes again. Another family member taken away. She collapses to the floor in shock. Her son consoles her. Picks her up. Holds her. She cries. She is thankful for her grown son. He is strong. He is good. He provides comfort. He continues to hold her. He tells her it will be okay. They gather again. They cry again. They pray again. Hug again. And they bury again. Another loved one gone tragically. All deaths are tragic. All deaths contain pain. She wants to know why this happened. She wants to see where. She wants to know how. She doesn’t understand. No one understands. Horrific details of death choke her. Chokes her family. They can’t breathe. They hurt. Hate brews. Sadness and grief shoot through them. They are empty. Empty shells. Family and friends surround. And love eventually wins. Love consumes. They still hurt. But they survive. They have too. She survives. She is fragile but strong. She survived before. She will again.

Been thinking of making Jack home cooked dog food. Anyone know of a "Dog food cookbook"?
When I lived on a boat, my liveaboard neighbor made her won. Jack went bonkers when he could smell it! He'd run down the dock and sit on the finger-pier by her boat until she gave him some!

Cheers!

A thought dawned on me a few nights ago as I lay in bed with Jack and Gibs (dog & cat) watching them sleep snuggled against me. My mind drifted to my parents house and all the beloved pets buried there, from the time I was a small child all the way to my adulthood. My childhood pets, my kids 2 bunnies (from my single parent days) and a dog I had when I was first married. Dad always buried the pets tenderly with love and kindness, they were part of the family.

I remember a German Shepard my Dad had when I was a teenager. She was an amazing dog. One day Dad crossed our busy street after making her sit and telling her to stay. This one time she did not listen. She ran after Dad and was hit by a car, a speeding car. For some reason I remember him telling someone that her collar hooked on the car and it drug her several yards before it came loose. The driver never stopped, he had to know. She didn’t die instantly. We got her to the vet and he put her down while Dad held her. The strongest memory I have is Dad standing over her freshly dug grave sobbing. He buried her by a small tree in the yard. Needless to say the tree is huge now.

Good Lord if the new owners ever dig up the yard they will find many assorted skeletons buried there. Wonder if I should have put a clause in the contract stating that they cannot disturb the graves?!?!

Beachbum, retired, published author...

about "Writing for Children and Teenagers"??? A friend of mine saw an article in a womens magazine, a full page color ad about an aptitude test for childrens writing. They claim to teach you how to "crack the market" if they think you have the talent. Claims it's a free test and an into to a course. I'm feeling like I should be very very careful....